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Fortunes can be bought at Billy Crane's Traveling Carnival for 25 cents. Most of the fortunes seem to be negative, though a select few are positive or logical. A few fortunes show reference to things in the game.

List of Fortunes

Fortunes do not appear in this order, they are generated in random order.

  • 80% of people consider themselves above average.
  • A bird in the hand is better than a bird on the roof, unless it has really sharp claws.
  • A house without a toilet is uncanny.
  • All signs point to: no chance.
  • A man's home is his castle, only less resistant to catapults.
  • Avoid taking unnecessary gambles. Lucky numbers: 12, 32, 28, 31, 44.
  • Bad advice causes mistakes, then laughter.
  • Before you act, check with your mother.
  • Being rude is no substitue for being right.
  • Beware of angry men carring weapons.
  • Big words prove nothing except that you have a big mouth.
  • Boxing is a gentleman's sport, but only if gentlemen play it.
  • Bully is as bully does.
  • By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
  • Confession is good for your soul but bad for you reputation.
  • Consider a career in politics.
  • Consider the possibility that no one likes you.
  • Consider this: no turkey ever voted for an early Christmas.
  • Consider trying less hard.
  • Don't be so self-centered.
  • Don't blow out another's candle to make your shine brighter.
  • Don't forget to change your socks.
  • Don't mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
  • Don't trust fortune tellers.
  • Do not argue with the person packing your parachute.
  • Do not throw glasses if you live in a stone house.
  • Do you know who your friends are?
  • Everything is not yet lost.
  • Facts don't stop existing just because they're ignored.
  • Forgive your enemies - it really annoys them.
  • Get a life.
  • Get over yourself. Jerk.
  • Good luck. You'll need it.
  • Have you considered running away from your problems?
  • Have you considered getting plastic surgery? You should.
  • Help! I'm trapped inside this machine!
  • If at first you don't succeed, consider giving up.
  • If life gives you lemons, give life a raspberry.
  • If life gives you lemons consider going into the citrus business.
  • If people flatter you they're probably lying.
  • If you're a real jerk all the time, people might not notice you're useless.
  • If you're on high cliff, don't jump to conclusion.
  • If you don't succeed, you run the risk of failure.
  • If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.
  • If you go camping, beware of evil intent.
  • If you live in a glass house, change in the basement.
  • If you need to get the point, sit on a tack.
  • If you put your face in fruit drink, you might get punch in nose.
  • If your house is burning you might as well try to stay warm.
  • In later life, you will find somewhere you fit in and belong. Jail.
  • Isn't it about time you got a job?
  • It's a good time to stop waffling. Maybe.
  • It's hard to prophecy, especially about the future.
  • It's only going to get worse.
  • Just give up.
  • Just imagine you'll succeed.
  • Keep trying.
  • Let's hope you will grow into your face.
  • Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • No one likes a whiner.
  • No plan survives contact with the enemy. Plan accordingly.
  • Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
  • Peeing your own pants only keeps you warm for a short while.
  • Regular showers are a good thing.
  • Right now, somewhere out there, someone is making out with a girl.
  • Running behind a car is exhausting.
  • Stand up to be seen. Speak up to be heard. Shut up to be appreciated.
  • Stay home, read a book.
  • The answer to your question is: maybe.
  • The greatest danger could be your own stupidity.
  • The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if properly sharpened and in the hands of a well trained ninja.
  • There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
  • The reality is: the customer is not always right.
  • The weather pays no attention to criticism.
  • They say they're your friends, but they laugh at you behind your back.
  • Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
  • Today, tell someone you love them. You might get lucky.
  • To err is human, to blame someone is even more so.
  • To know nothing is bad. To not wish to know anything, worse.
  • Tomorrow will be a nice day.
  • Travel broadens the minds, if you have one to begin with.
  • Two wrongs do not make a right, but 3 lefts do.
  • What exactly is your problem?
  • What you really need is some sort of medication.
  • When in charge, think. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
  • When things go wrong, don't follow along.
  • You're doomed. Sorry.
  • You're not all that.
  • You're not as dumb as you look. That would be impossible.
  • You're not paranoid - everyone really does hate you.
  • You're smart and handsome, just like your mom always says you are.
  • You're wasting your life.
  • You are almost there.
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • You might as well keep trying. It might make you feel better.
  • You need a haircut.
  • You should go to bed early tonight.
  • You will be involved in a fight soon.
  • You won't get anywhere if you think you're already there.

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